Sunday, March 08, 2009

I'm revolting myself

I'm writing one of the most difficult scenes I've ever written. I should be doing it right now, not lollygagging round here, but I need a mental break. And I feel sick. Actually sick.

I've upset myself before, usually by killing off characters I've got to like, but this is a whole other league. Such a tiny scene, too. Although big in its impact on my character, and the book too. And me. The things I've just had to research to write this were horrific. The way I am combining them is even worse. This is only going to be a few hundred words, but jeez. It's not sex, it's not violence, well not in any traditional sense - but it's awful. And it happens too, that's the worst thing, it's not fantasy or paranormal, it's reality.

I don't think I'm writing a horror story, but much more of this and I will be.

Ever disgusted yourself with your own writing?

*updated to add - finally finished and I think I'm going to be eating vegetarian for a few days now*


Robin S. said...

Yes, I have, McK, so I feel for you. The last scenes I wrote for my novel were not in the last chapters - they were in beginning chapters - I had to go back and write them when I was finished with everything else, because the tore me up. The still do. I haven't looked at them since.

Sarah Laurenson said...

I have written stuff that had me sick to my stomach. Then I put it aside and not looked at it again. I have the imagination to write true horror and psychological torture kind of stuff, but I just can't go there.

I understand. We put so much of ourselves into our writing and live it in our heads and hearts.

spyscribbler said...

I sure have scared myself. Freaked myself out. My mind doesn't tend toward horror, but it sure can get kinky up there!

jjdebenedictis said...

*pats the shaken koala*

No, I haven't ickified myself yet. It's probably a matter of time.

The closest I've come is writing smoochy/sexy scenes, when I literally blush and start sweating from pure embarrassment.

Whirlochre said...

At the moment, I'm sitting on a dubious sex scene and one or two snippets of "soft cruelty". And it's pretty icky.

But I've not really shocked myself yet.

Whirlochre said...

Updated — is that vegetarian food or actual vegetarians?

Thinking about it, there might be a novel in that. A cannibal doing his bit for the environment by feasting only on veggies.

JaneyV said...

No - I hate the macabre and I can't let my head go there. I've also never tried a sexy scene. They are so difficult to get right and one person's 'downright erotic' is another's 'eeeeeeeew-fest'.

Perhaps this is why I write children's fiction - being too graphic is frowned up.

McKoala said...

Interesting the different things that are harrowing to us. Like Robin, I've risen to emotionally harrowing a few times, but I think this is the first time I've had to write graphic gore. (Sarah, note use of the word 'had to'!)

LOL, Whirl, shades of Spike Milligan.

Spy, JJ and Janey, guess what I've got a sex scene coming up too, and I've never written one of those before either. I'm not going to go graphic. I don't think the story needs it, and I'm sure my mother doesn't need to read it!

Whirlochre said...

I've got a sex scene coming up too

My problem with sex scenes is the innuendo.

writtenwyrdd said...

I keep thinking "what will people think of me?" when I write upsetting stuff. As if I think bad things about an author whose work contains the same sort of stuff.

Hope it is a good scene to make your discomfort worthwhile.

Bevie said...

"I keep thinking "what will people think of me?""

I go through that, too, because I already know what I think of me.

I haven't written gore scenes yet, but I've done a couple of sex scenes. What I wrote kind of scared me, so I went back and rewrote them. Changed the whole frikkin story. Ruined it, actually.

You're right, McKoala. Sometimes the story says, "You HAVE to."

sylvia said...

Hmm, I don't think I've shocked myself whilst writing but I've written two very violent scenes that bothered me a lot when I reread them afterwards. I felt uncomfortable that I had been so comfortable writing them, if that makes any sense at all.

Today I was editing (I did pages!) and I hit a scene that I keep wanting to "fix" because what's happening to one of the characters breaks my heart. It's a minor thing, in fact I could wipe it without seriously breaking things in the story. So I keep thinking about removing it because I don't like his feelings getting hurt, even though I know it has value in terms of showing the characters.

Silly, isn't it.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

I don't gross myself out but I have written things that scared the bejebus out of me later.

Chris Eldin said...

*also patting the shaken koala*

This usually is the best kind of writing, when it makes you uncomfortable...