Alluring?

It's time for Robin's voice challenge again! You may remember the last, slightly dodgy, challenge was making some dry-as-dust text sound sexy. This time we're turning it around. How unromantic can we make some loving words?

Here's my attempt - Burns, unromanticized. (Less than a minute long - that's how long it took to destroy our national poet...)

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The Koala is perturbed

Some folks at The Kill Zone are making free with her decency.

Read the comments to the end. I think they are unaware of The Claw.

Water bottle koala update: she's in love! Check this out!

Here's a question we haven't asked in a while...

...what are you working on?

Do you have a major WIP at the moment, or are you working on some shorter pieces? Writing/editing? Plotting/researching? Genre/style? Near the end/just getting started? Let's talk about what's keeping us busy and away from the TV.

Koala Challenge victims, sorry, participants, I will be viewing your WIPs with particular interest...

You know it's summer when...

...you burn your feet not only on sand and concrete, but also on the grass

...you stop wearing make-up, because it slides right back off your face

...the pool is as warm as a bath

...the dog hasn't been walked for three days and she's grateful

...the air smells of smoke from bush fires

...your kids are praying to God for rain

...you dress in inappropriate clothing, just to get some more skin out there to sweat

...you regret gloating about the heat to your friends currently enduring winter, because right now you'd like just one of their lovely snowstorms.

Soccer Boy updates will appear when he, or we, get/s to grips with this teacher.

Poor Old Soccer Boy

Remember that dream teacher whose class Soccer Boy was so pleased to be in? Well, alas for Soccer Boy, he does not teach computing and sport all day. There's a lot of work and testing in there too. Apart from spelling (a disaster area for Sokr Boi), I think the testing is going OK. I even think the work is going OK. That is, when he understands the instructions.

A couple of times SB has misunderstood what he's been asked to do. The teacher then blows up and tells him to do it again. Without repeating the instructions. I think you can see the vicious circle developing.

I've already been in the classroom three times (in a week!) trying to sort out various issues (health, use of keyboard, speelin dezastrs). I think the teacher now hates me and I really feel I cannot darken his doorstep again, or there may be classroom consequence for SB. However, Soccer Boy is becoming very stressed and demoralised.

We'd like Soccer Boy to see if he can manage this independently, but we're making suggestions as to how he can help himself. We've come up with listening carefully (but, Mum, I doooooooo!), checking with his friends (tends to lead to trouble for talking) or getting more confident friends to ask the teacher to repeat the instructions (a couple of Adam's friends could not care less about yelling/threats/visits to the headmaster's office - I think he can use that!)

Does anybody out there have any other suggestions? What strategies can Soccer Boy use?

This teacher is a male, 50ish, very sarcastic and used to teaching kids a couple of years older and more confident than poor old vulnerable Soccer Boy.

The shame, the shame

Yes, The Koala has been forced to moderately threaten herself after squandering her weekly day off for no particular reason and then discovering that the weekend is just not a good time to catch up. Especially when there is a family party on one day, and a lunch that merges into a dinner on the next.

Better make up for it today, hadn't I?

Also, the new month is starting over at Aerin's Random Complexity Challenge. Speaking of which, JaneyV and JC Montgomery are rather cleverly keeping a running total of Koala Words. I thoroughly approve of this, because I have no idea how much I actually wrote in January. Let's do it! I also like The Troll's method of keeping seven days word count up, because it makes it much easier for me to keep track. Blogless, you're back on Approves as a bonus, because You Have Pleased the Koala. Diligent Janey and JC are already there.

In other news...it's Hot and Sweaty Down Under with no respite in sight...I'm meeelting...meeelting... And feeling less smug about the heat than usual.

The Koala wants to make you smile

After the downer of my last post, I found something special in the news that will hopefully cheer us all up.

True stupidity in action.

A Koala on her Soapbox

I read the news every day. I read about the awful things people do to one another, and to their children. Awful, awful things.

But this absolutely floored me. The title of this post is misleading. I'm actually completely and utterly speechless about this one.

*Link fixed!*

Back to school

The summer holiday has just ended on our topsy turvy side of the world and today the baby koalas returned to school. They were both bizarrely happy about it. Am I that boring?

They scored great teachers; in fact, soccer boy got the one he'd been hoping for. He has been separated from a couple of his friends, one close friend in particular, but the biggest chunk of his group of friends is in his class with him so he's pretty happy. Princess has her best friend with her, hooray, so she'll be in clover.

So it's back to work properly for me. Well, I tried. I made three calls and none of my clients were in. Oh, dear. How to spend my time? I rose to my own challenge and wrote just under 400 words to finish the short story I've been working on for the last couple of weeks. It's a short story of just over 5000 words, mostly written in small batches of a few hundred words here and there - words that I would not have written without this challenge to keep me going, even if it was just to crunch out a paragraph on the laptop on the sofa late at night. I'm learning that while being able to sit down for an hour or more and write 1000 words or more is the ideal, it is possible to work in a different way.

I'll give the story a quick edit over the next couple of days and then let it sit for a while and apply my new technique to a WIP. A more demanding and more complex task, yes, but if I keep at it, even a tiny bit a day, I should always know where the story is going, making it easier to keep my line of thought.

I hope!

BTW, my story is sci fi - a whole new world for me, literally.

Goede morgen iedereen!

Vandaag is 'Rabbit Hole Day' en dat betekent dat ik iets moet schrijven dat een beetje anders is van mijn normalen blog verhalen. Dus, schrijf ik in het Nederlands. Het spijt mij als dit vol fouten zit, maar het is nu over tien jaar sinds dat ik in Nederland heb gewoont. Ik heb vier jaar in Amsterdam doorgebracht en ik heb een Mavo in het Nederlands. Toen ik daar woonde dachten sommige mensen dat ik Nederlands was, so goed kon ik de taal spreken. Niet meer, helaas!

Ik denk dat dat genoeg is voor vandaag!

Easy way to show your PHC wordcount

OK, so we are officially launching this weekend - i.e. now. Kudos to those who were already hard at work.

I've snuffled about the guts of blogger and found an easy way to keep your wordcount at the top of your blog, without having to make a post. 'Gadgets' click the 'text' option - put in a title - 'The Public Humiliation Challenge' springs to mind. Then you can simply type text into the box (like your wordcount), or add links, for example to the appropriate Koala Claw badge or to the original post. Above the box is a small selection of activities, such as links and images to make it even more easy, peasy. Writing it is pretty much like writing a regular post. Save the gadget and It should appear at the top of your blog. Then it's simply a case of clicking on the 'tools' pic under the gadget to edit the text and each day's word count.

This is not obligatory, a post or a comment is fine, but once you've set it up, which doesn't take long, it's quick and easy to amend without having to open posts or comments.

Here are our fantastic Koala Claw badges, provided by the seriously talented JJdeBenedictis:

Koala Approves

KCTL: Low

KCTL: Moderate

KCTL: High

KCTL: Extreme

Koala Smack-down

As you can see, she presented me in my best light. Although I'm not sure about the size of that Koala butt.

I'm sure you are all on Koala Approves...or do I need to issue reprimands so soon?

The Public Humiliation Challenge (summarised and made coherent)

The Public Humiliation Challenge is a way to ensure you keep cracking on those works in progress.

Challengees post word counts either in posts on their own blogs (preferably a new post, so I can follow it easily), or report in here (comment in whatever post is at the top is fine). Your target is a minimum 100 words up there at least six days a week, actual writing and not blog posts. Memoirs, stories, a paragraph in your novel - any kind of original writing counts. Editing also counts, but you must have worked on a chunk of at least 100 words - although I don't care if it turns out to be 150 words or 10 words by the time you've finished with it. Plotting and planning count as long as they are on paper/keyboard, not in your head. Reading does not count; I expect some kind of production. State in your entry what type of work you have done, if not straight writing.

You get one day off a week - a free pass for those days when the family keep you busy from dawn until dusk or some kind of irresistable adventure uses up your whole day. Only one day, mind and you must declare your chosen day instead of your wordcount.

Otherwise, only entertaining excuses are permitted - those would be ones that make me laugh. Special dispensations for extreme weather conditions, and for tragedy, obviously, although this year the koala clan is hoping fervently for a year without hospital admissions as we have single-handedly kept the Australian medical system afloat in the past twelve months. The tragedy dispensation section does not include broken nails, cranky spouses or homework-eating dogs. It does, however, include Attacks by Baby Koalas (section 5, A (iii)). What do you mean I'm the only one with baby koalas? Too bad. That's not my fault.

Anyone who doesn't make the 100 words on at least six days in any one week must come here and confess. We reserve the right to be utterly unsympathetic.

This was going to be a lovely, friendly challenge with mere fruit throwing as penalties however JJdeGoblin introduced a rather cool 'Koala claw threat level-ometer' that I shall be adopting. Graphics to follow.

This challenge is completely compatible with Aerin's - use your 100 words a day to meet her challenge of 1000 a month (however, if you want it to count towards her challenge the words must be original writing).

Why this will work... 100 words a day on a WIP keeps you in touch with your creativity and line of thinking, even when you don't have time to write large chunks...100 words a day keeps your technique alive...100 words a day adds up to a 1000 word short story in only ten days...100 words a day can take less than ten minutes...100 words a day can turn into a couple of thousand almost by accident...100 words a day just reminds you of what you are doing and why you are doing it...100 words a day is merely fun that can turn into something amazing.

Meet your fellow challengees:

McK (surprise!)
JJ de Benedictis
Whirlochre
Blogless Troll
Robin
JaneyV
Aerin
Sylvia
Sarah L
JC Montgomery

More entrants welcome at any time. Just let me know in a comment at the end of my most recent post.

Public Humiliation Challenge Wordcount

22 January 2008: 278

We can say we knew him first...

The winner of the latest contest over at Clarity of Night is our very own PJD with his great 'Sliding' - warmest congratulations to him! Previous winners have gone on to be published, so Jason has a good eye for these things. The Unlucky 26, coming to a bookstore near you, very soon.

Check out the rest of the winners too - there are some familiar names in there, including Precie, Janey, Aerin, LaughingWolf and, heh, me! It was a fun, fun contest, with so many different takes on the prompt, fascinating stuff to read and kudos to Jason for having the energy to assess all the entries.

Public Humiliation Challenge Wordcount: 170.

Cheep, cheep

Public Humiliation Wordcount 20/1: 225 and I've sorted out a tricky moment, yippee
Public Humiliation wordcount: 173 (and that's 173 words more than would have been written today if it weren't for the challenge - so it's working for me!)

We've been looking after a friend's bird for the past few days; a beautiful rainbow lorikeet. When I was a kid my parents refused to buy a cat or a dog, so they rather uselessly substituted goldfish, then, rather more usefully, a series of budgies. Initially Mum had to take care of them, however, I later became rather handy around them, cleaning them out and feeding them like any responsible mum. So I loved having the imaginatively named 'Birdie' to stay. We kept him on the deck right outside the family room. He was a chatty little thing with a small vocabulary and a cute habit of instant imitation. He could also cough, sneeze and laugh.

Polly dog was fascinated by him and spent hours standing by the cage, just watching, while Birdie taunted her by inching closer, then suddenly leaping to the other side. Polly would race over there, Birdie would hop back, Polly would race back, Birdie would hop back etc. etc. Polly just thought he was the best-ever plaything. When he left this afternoon, she sat by a glass panel next to the door, wistfully watching my friend's van until it was out of sight.

Now I want to have a bird again...however, Mr Koala's loathing of birds is only surpassed by his loathing of cats, and as he would like to assassinate all cats, that's not saying much.

Have you ever had temporary care of a pet - and then wanted one the same?

The Public Humiliation Challenge: Editing Counts!

Public Humiliation Challenge wordcount yesterday: 210 words
*Updated to add* Public Humiliation Challenge wordcount today: 1023 words
*Updated again to add* Public Humiliation Challenge wordcount tomorrow (yours, I'm there already): 316 words

Yes, editing counts. I think that editing and rewriting is what makes writing really sing. As long as you work on a chunk that starts at 100 words or more then it counts for the PHC. Even if you edit those words down to 50, 10 or even 1. As long as it's a good word, then it counts. Or you start with 100, rewrite the first sentence ten times and then realise the rest is fine - that counts too. Whack it into your wordcount with pride. Call it editing, so we know what you've been up to.

*Updated to add* Scheming/plotting also counts. See how reasonable I am? All I want is 100 words of progress on whatever you are working on. Drafting, editing, plotting - as long as you feel it's progress then it's in. This is supposed to help us - it's a way of either kicking off something new, or of never losing track of something we're working on - just 100 words...it's that easy...and if that kicks off 1000 words that's fine too. But you've still got to write 100 the next day - the whole idea is to keep going!

So signed up so far I think we have:

JJ de Benedictis
Whirlochre
Blogless Troll (if tomorrow ever comes)
Maybe Robin (couldn't figure out if that was a in or an out!)

I'll put something up on the side of the blog in due course, but we may have more people joining us.

The Public Humiliation Challenge

Word count yesterday: 0 due to sweatbox of a work room.

That's the Public Humiliation Challenge in action.

I'll post word counts in each of my posts now in the interests of demonstrating my slackness, sorry, industry. What I'm actually writing is probably of minimal interest so I won't yarn on about it unless it's particularly interesting. JJdeGoblin, I'm challenging you to do the same! And anyone else that wants to play along. I want to see a minimum 100 words up there at least six days a week, actual writing and not blog posts. Only entertaining excuses permitted - those would be ones that make me laugh. Special dispensations for extreme weather conditions, and for tragedy, obviously, although this year the koala clan is hoping fervently for a year without hospital admissions as we have single-handedly kept the Australian medical system afloat in the past twelve months. The tragedy dispensation section does not include broken nails, cranky spouses or homework-eating dogs. It does, however, include Attacks by Baby Koalas (section 5, A (iii)). What do you mean I'm the only one with baby koalas? Too bad. That's not my fault. Yes, Attacks by Baby Koalas can be a tragedy. Haven't you heard of Deadly Drop Bears? Whirl, enlighten them, please.

Anyone who doesn't make the 100 words on at least six days in any one week must come here and confess. Fruit may be thrown. If you don't confess and I find out, big fruit will be thrown.

Um, that's it. This little challenge, by the way, is completely compatible with Aerin's. Imagine, 100 words a day. How fast would that add up to her demand of 1000 a month? Easy peasy!

I'm a-ok for Aerin's challenge, thanks to my entry to Jason's contest at: http://clarityofnight.blogspot.com/

I'm number 74, and if you're burning with excitement to read my first 250 words of 2009, that's right here. You'll also find Precie, PJD, Janey, laughingwolf and various other blog buddies over there, but I'll let them find their own entries! Can't remember all of them, m'dears.

However, my work is not yet over. 100 words or more coming up later today.

There will be no writing today

With good reason, not just procrastination (for once!). It's going to be 40 degrees Celsius here, 104 Fahrenheit. It gets five degrees or so hotter in my little room, perched as it is in the ideal position to collect all-day sun and I really don't want to die in a pool of melted fur.

Amuse me. How warm or cold is it where you are?

The Book Roast is Back!

We've refilled the gas, scrubbed down the grill and topped up the sauce bottles. Yes, the Book Roast is blowing off the cobwebs of the holiday season and relaunching with a slightly different format.

To celebrate, we've lined up a varied guest list for the first two weeks - yes, two solid weeks - featuring two of the coolest agents, six amazing authors and our new regular contributor - the Mystery Publisher, our very own publishing Deep Throat.

Monday, Jan 12: Mystery Publisher
Tuesday, Jan 13: Eric Stone
Wednesday, Jan 14: Agent Lucienne Diver
Thursday, Jan 15: Barrie Summy
Saturday, Jan 17: Elysabeth Eldering

Monday, Jan 19: Mystery Publisher
Tuesday, Jan 20: Traci E Hall
Wednesday, Jan 21: Maggie Stiefvater
Thursday, Jan 22: Agent Nathan Bransford
Friday, Jan 23: Jennifer Macaire

As ever, we'll have wit, charm and insider tidbits - and prizes galore (easier to win now, too!). Check out the Book Roast and tell your friends!

WAP: Writing Action Plan!

Step 1: Join Aerin's 1000 words/month writing challenge (done, see post below for evidence).

Step 2: Stop googling anything suggested by BT (done, for today at any rate)

Step 3: Get cracking on bubbling Clarity of Night idea.

Step 4: Visit JJdeGoblin and chat more about mutual-egging-on.

Step 5: Revise and submit Clarity of Night.

Step 6: Start on something else.

Step 7: Keep going!

Emergency writer's block package
Track down gum leaves.
Keep Whirl ideas to blast away writer's block.

Hold me to it!

The first step: rise to something!

Aerin at In Search of Giants is hosting a writer’s challenge to foster inspiration and community. It's pretty low-pressure: 1000 words a month. At the end of the year, you'll have a total of 12,000 words, which is not even half a NaNo entry. Go here to sign up!

BONUS: If you sign up for this challenge by January 14, your entry to the Ascension Clarity of Night contest counts as all 1000 of your words for January!

Somebody inspire me

I have a little-post Christmas problem. No, not that one. I thought nobody knew about that one? BT, if you dare google it...

I just can't glue my ass back in the writing seat! I managed to churn out some web copy for a client at the start of the week (the stuff that pays) and I thought that might kick start me, but it hasn't. I'm still messing around with kids - it's their summer holiday for the whole month of January, but they are normally fairly forgiving if I sneak upstairs for an hour or two - but somehow I can't get myself to actually do it.

I'm not short on ideas; I've got two short stories simmering, something that needs editing and the famous Woman is still firmly stuck in her Wall at around 25,000 words. I did reread those 25,000 just before Christmas and I'm really happy with them. I even know where she's going (nowhere for a while, but just wait...). The something that needs editing is actually already two thirds done, but I know the last bit would be the hard bit. One of the short stories is completely written in my head and is probably sellable. The other is not quite so written in my head, but is probably even more sellable. And then there's the Clarity of Night comp, which would be fun to do, and I even have an idea for.

All fun things that I even WANT to do. Just can't get myself of the post-Christmas butt to do it. I know you guys are good at butt kicking. Please, please, please kick mine, or for the more polite among you (I know who you are. Sarah.) suggest where I might start.

Mmrrrphl, schrrrphl

*sound of rustling as McKoala digs herself out of the remnants of the eucalpyt leaf feast and gazes around blearily*

Just a little something to wake me up - here are ten honest facts about myself, most of which you probably don't need to know, but, hey, let's get this blogging thing revved up and going the easy way. Once upon a time this was a meme, but it's not any more.

1. I don't have single plant in my house, because I can't be bothered looking after them.

2. I pick my nose in the shower.

3. I wanted to be left-handed.

4. I sing really badly.

5. I don't go Brazilian.

6. I hate sport.

7. After dinner I sit down and treat Mr McKoala like a dishwashing, tea-brewing slave.

8. Sometimes when I tell the kids I'm working, I'm just dandling about on the Internet.

9. This is bland.

10. Most of the honest things I can think of are unprintable.

It's 2009!

C'mon, slowcoaches, catch up! I'm already hung over and contemplating what to have for breakfast. Fried ham and eggs sounds good to me. This could be you tomorrow!

Hope you're all having a fantastic festive season, with all your favourite goodies and gifties from the fat bloke in the red suit, and that you occasionally recall whose birthday it really is. BTW, Soccer Boy says that only three people live forever: God, Jesus and Santa.

Nothing profound to offer you today (see para 1), but promise to get back to regular blogging some time in the next week.

And remember. Hogmanay is not a kind of sausage.

Rockin' around the eucalypt tree...

Have a happy holiday!

Love McKoala & clan

And you thought finance was boring...

Robin's latest voice challenge: sexing up something dull. OK, I admit it was my idea - but is anyone surprised that she went for it?!

Here's mine - a little early, but I had some time today. Investment anyone?

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From Weds night/Thursday, for more voices and links check out Robin's blog.

Lives are meeting

I've often wrangled with whether or not to put this blog into my real name. Well, I'm not going to, nyah nyah.

I'm around and about under my real name - which I think most of you know, and if you're confused there's a whopping big clue on the book roast blog - but move fast, because I think I might delete that soon.

What's happening now is that, thanks to Facebook, you ethereal chums and my more earthly versions are meeting. Not a bad thing in itself, but while I'm perfectly content for you all to know my real name, I'd quite like to keep McKoala and this blog to my ethereal life. Very few people I see on a day-to-day basis know about my fiction writing, beyond the short stories and articles. I hate the thought of people asking me 'so how's the book going?' every day, possibly for forty years or more if I never get into print!

So I may try and blur the links between the names a little more.

Is anybody else having to think about this?

Random rules

When the right hand does not know what the left is doing, the left hand will take advantage and will shut the right hand in a closet door.

If a husband is entrusted with laundry over a period of a week or more, he will economise by running the machine less often. One morning your daughter will run out of school dresses and your son will run out of school shorts.

The zip on any dress that cost less than half price will break the first time you wear it.

If you save time by dropping off a prescription before going to the supermarket with the plan of picking it up afterwards, you will waste even more time by forgetting it and having to go back to the shopping centre specifically for that one item.

If you let your daughter have nail polish on the grounds that she is now old enough and sensible enough not to paint the white carpet in her bedroom, she will paint the white carpet in her bedroom.

If I can't understand it, I won't read it

Apparently, I am not stupid. Apart from maths, but we don't need to talk about that now*. Specifically, I am not a stupid reader. I have a degree in English literature and language and I studied linguistics for a while and did OK there (but not as well as Paca). I can even spell, not that that is particularly relevant.

So here's the thing. As a reader, I don't think that a writer being deliberately opaque is a pleasant experience. And although I admit I read for pleasure nowadays I don't mind a bit of a challenge (apart from Russian names, which, as discussed before, I just cannot master - I like to see that as a quirk, rather than general stupidity...), if I do not have any idea what is going on after the first five to ten pages, I will put your book down.

This doesn't mean you can't intrigue me, I'm all over that. But I need to know something. For example, I don't necessarily need to know who the speaker is if I can vaguely follow what they are saying. If I understand who the speaker is, I may bear with difficult content. So tell me something, anything. Even knowing where an unnamed speaker spouting confusion is located may help me. For example, jail. No names needed, confusion expected. But don't hide everything from me or I will put your book down and recommend others skip it too.

I need to have something to hang my hat on before I start taking my coat off. (Whirl, feel free to make merry with that one).


* Never give me the bill to check. It will not work out.

Rewrite Jane Austen, 2008-stylee

Following on from the previous post, choose any line from Jane Austen and rewrite it in contemporary English!

See comments for my attempt.

International editions

In Australia we are in a kind of publishing black hole where we often receive British or US editions of books, rather than Australian editions. Fair enough, there aren't that many of us and it's probably cheaper.

This has enabled me to observe first hand the efforts that publishers do, or do not go to, to create American editions of British books, and vice versa. Here are a few examples:

• The publishers that make no changes whatsoever, other than publisher details. As we shall see, this is a surprisingly sensible approach.

• The publishers that change everything. Now, this might seem a sensible approach, but unless you are very careful, this can go horribly wrong and result in an unnatural hybrid. Changing spelling isn't necessarily a big deal, but when you get to vocab and grammar, you are on dangerous ground. Let's assume that our book is set in the UK - as, let's face it, many British novels are. It may be fair enough in narrative to say: 'The child sat on the stoop eating candy'. Not in dialogue. A British child would not say: 'I'm sitting on the stoop eating candy'. A British child would say: 'I'm sitting on the step eating sweets.' There's a huge distinction there between adding an American perspective and creating a monster that doesn't work in either country.
  

• The publishers that change a few things here and there to add 'a flavour'. Again, an example and this is my absolute favourite. A book set in Wales, featuring a Welsh family who'd been there for generations and throughout the novel a little boy called his mother 'Mom'. No, no, no. I've seen this a couple of times in US editions of UK novels, but interestingly I've never seen it the other way. Perhaps publishers have the sensitivity to realise that if a novel is set in the US they can keep 'mom', because British readers will understand that this is 'American' for 'mum'. But do they really have the insensitivity to believe that this is not true in the opposite direction? That an American adult would not realise that a British kid using the word 'mum' is not merely making a repeated mistake?

American adults speak out!

And if anybody has noticed anything similar in their reading, I'd love to hear about it.

I long to delight my followers

But how, my precious ones?

Maybe a little giggle and a schoolyard yarn.

Soccer Boy's ball got stuck in a tree yesterday after school. We couldn't quite reach the lower branches to shake it loose and chucking sticks didn't help. 'I can do it,' says one of the mums and spear throws her daughter's hobby horse into the tree. Yes, that got stuck too.

So now we have a cricket ball and a disembodied horse's head hanging from the branches. 'Leave it to me,' says Mum number two and lobs her daughter's schoolbag at the ball and horse. Guess what. That got stuck too. So now we have a howling toddler and a schoolchild who doesn't know to be happy or sad. (My homework's in there, yippee! Oh hang on, so's my lunch bag...) Soccer Boy in the meantime is perfectly happy, because his ball has come down.

I'm feeling the need for sacrifice, because this is all down to my child, so I'm weighing Soccer Boy's bag in my hand, thinking that it should at least join the crowd in the tree when the one sensible mum among us arrives with a long-handled mop from the janitor's office. And no, she didn't throw it.

It took three mums and said mop to get the horse and the schoolbag down.

Revealed: The Face of McKoala

I'm in love with this new following feature, which enables me to keep up with everybody's new posts without browsing for hours (I still may or may not reply, heh, heh...). By the way, am I missing anybody? Is anybody lacking a recent visit from a marsupial with attitude? Tell me and I'll start stalking, sorry, following you.

A side effect of this wondrous new gadget is that my profile pic is popping up everywhere as a grey-headed Mr Nobody. Could this be any less appropriate?

And so...I reveal...the true face of McKoala. Am I as cute as you thought I was? No, I'm cuter, right?!

Koala family health update: I'm almost back in full action, but won't be allowed to lift anything heavy for three months, therefore Mr Koala is now delegated to supermarket shopping and laundry baskets, yippee! Grandma Koala still in hospital, but now I have been released from house arrest I will go and visit her this weekend. Recent phone calls and demands indicate increasing return of vigour in Grandma although release date remains changeable.

Say it like it is

Princess loved our holiday in Scotland so much that she says she wants to go and live there and play with the little McHaggi every day. Soccer Boy says, no thanks, Scotland is too cold for him. Dilemma? No!

'OK,' says Soccer Boy. 'Next time we go we can just leave her there.'

The Joys of Freelancing

In my real life, as far as I have one, I am a freelance copywriter. This means that I am lucky enough to make my living by writing. 'Lucky' is a tricky kind of a word, though. A slippery, dippery, wippery kind of a word. The reason for this is simple. Clients

There are many breeds of client. Most are nice, normal people with perfectly good manners, who lack the ability to write and recognise that, hence their need for me. Others are nice, normal people with perfectly good manners, who lack the ability to write and do not recognise that, hence the tinge of grumpiness when they call and say "the designer said I'd better call you before we printed any of this". I can usually pleasantly prove that I can write better than they can, while remaining friends, and these relationships usually end with professions of gratitude and a loving promise to call me next time they need a brochure. Others are pus-oozing monsters with no manners whatsoever who lack the ability to write, but deny that, and make my life a total misery to the point where I wonder why they even employ me. Silly me. It's to torture me, of course! And in one case, make me abandon my chosen career for six months while I recovered from his pus-oozing awfulness.

While I know you long to learn more about the monsters, today we have a short post about The I-Did-It-Myselfers. I-Did-It-Myselfers are always the loveliest people, often with a slightly frail quiver to their voice, which makes me be extra polite to them on the phone, in case I should accidentally break them. I-Did-It-Myselfers really, really want to help, which is, believe it or not, not always a good thing.

When I ask for 'a few bullet points', I-Did-It-Myselfers provide pages of close-typed text, which take hours of reading to pick out the three things I actually need to know. When I ask for 'a brief bio', I get an entire life story. When I ask for 'any existing literature', I get a postman's-back-breaking package consisting of every piece of paper the company has produced in the past fifty years; including copies of their order forms and invoice layout. Not really necessary for a DL flyer about their new widget.

I-Did-It-Myselfers are so lovely, and so fragile, however, that it's impossible to explain to them how to be more helpful, because all they want to do is be helpful, and if they tried to be any more helpful they would actually frazzle themselves into a tiny pile of ashes. All I can do is say 'thank you' and grit my teeth as I plough through the forest-slaying piles of info (these people always send paper), using hours of non-quoted working time, all so that I don't hurt their feelings.

Because, however troublesome I may find their efforts, they have gone to an effort. They have tried to make my life easier. They are nice people, who, any time I need anything, will always answer their phone and do their best to find it for me.

They are, at the end of the day, My Client.


*McKoala Family Health Update*

Considerable improvement in everybody's condition over the weekend. I can now walk almost normally, rather than shuffle, although I still can't sit for long. Grandma Koala is much stronger and may even be released from hospital in a day or so (although they've said that several times before).

What's in a name? #3

I just read a book in which one of the characters was called 'Jem Stone'. And nobody seemed to notice.

Any recommendations for my convalescent reading? I'm going through a book a day at the moment so Mr Koala will be sent to the library again very soon.

Need...energy...boost...

Still not quite firing on all cylinders here. Thinking about doing lots of things. Not actually doing any of them.

Grandma still in hospital with massive headache. Nobody knows how many stitches she has, because the consultant says he lost count half way. Hoping she'll get out later this week.

Mostly I'm reading. I have many intelligent things to say about my reading. Not actually saying any of them.

I'm popping up randomly here and there on the blogosphere, but this is not the time to look out for me. I think Paca's Teddies will lynch me for a woeful performance in the quiz this month.

Well, if I've been up for two hours, it must be time to go back to bed now...

Owie

Here, but owie. Post surgery not quite as awful as I had thought, but a bit tired and sore now and mostly located in bed/on sofa. Got home from hospital yesterday; within a few hours mother-in-law had a fall and is now occupying my vacancy in the hospital. As my nephew put it, 'as soon as one comes out, another one goes in'. She's had many stitches in her head, but apparently no concussion and should get out later today. Her accident happened at the kids school where, bless them, an off duty ambulance officer and nurse (both parents) were on the scene. They worked hard, but they couldn't stop the bleeding that has traumatised half of the infants department; we're still getting calls from parents of freaked-out kids who want to ensure that Soccer Boy's Grandma didn't bleed to death. No, and she is issuing orders from her hospital bed about where her cane should be positioned, who to call and where her car should be parked etc., so we're hoping for a quick recovery.

It never rains but it...you know the one.

Poor me

I have to go into hospital later this week to have an operation. Nothing serious, no need to panic, just something that needs to be done and now is apparently the golden moment to do it.

I'm not looking forward to it. I seem to have a very low pain threshold. There will be moaning. I'm hoping I get some of the good-quality painkillers I got after I had Princess via the stomach slicing method. They made me very happy for an hour or so and then I fell asleep and woke up again just in time for my next dose.

Apparently I'm going to be largely out of action for two weeks. I've set up a complex play date schedule for the baby koalas that I hope all my friends remember, because I'm pretty sure Mr Koala won't. Visions of abandoned children in the schoolyard.

Kind of hoping I'll be able to stagger to my computer chair, but nothing is guaranteed.

Yeah, yeah, any excuse to avoid Paca's rainbows and teddies quiz. It might be different if I were winning....

The Name Thieves

I'm sure you all know about the Baby Name Thieves. You know, the friends, old and new, who are pregnant around the same time as you and who, in the middle of discussions about stroller brands, stretch marks and Braxton Hicks contractions, steer the conversation around to baby names.

'Caspian-Romeo if it's a boy and Amaryllis-Francine if it's a girl,' you confide. 'How about you?'

'Oh, we haven't decided yet,' she says. Then when baby pops out around two weeks before yours (these people are always slightly more pregnant than you) and you get a flowery message announcing that their angel has landed, funnily enough the name is Caspian-Romeo or Amaryllis-Francine. And if ever taken to task, they will airily deny any memory of the name conversation and avow that Caspian-Romeo or Amaryllis-Francine has been their favourite name since they could lisp around the teat of their own baby bottle.

And you have to call your baby John.

It is now my painful task to announce to you that the Baby Name Thieves have cousins. The Novel Name Thieves.

It turns out that my perfectly wonderful first novel (yes, yes, the one in the bottom drawer, no need to remind me) shares its title with the name of a rock band. My second (yes, yes, it's still unsold, no update, again...) shares the name of a blogger. My third I think is as yet unstolen (perhaps because it is very long). The fourth, half finished novel, shares the name of a song. The fifth, well OK, the idea in my head that may or may not ever be written, but which already has a title with which I am very pleased, I discovered in the library today shares the name of...another novel.

Who are these evil people, the Novel Name Thieves? How do they find me? Is this an alien probe situation?

Use 'em - or kill 'em

I've just read a book - rather a good one, I thought initially - that boasts a useless character.

This elderly man appeared at one meal, at which he had to be helped with his food. Occasionally the writer mentioned the number of chairs or people at other meals, which a quick tot-up showed meant he had to be present. Although he was never fed again, not that she mentioned anyway. Once she referred to 'the old man' being helped into another room.

That was it. He had nothing to say, nothing to do, except hang out at the dinner table and not be mentioned.

So why was he there at all? I've thought my way around the symbolic stuff - nothing. Family balance, that kind of stuff - nope, nothing. His presence, as far as I could tell, was completely unnecessary. I wondered if he had had more of a role in an earlier draft, which was then cut, leaving him voiceless, faceless, needing only a chair for the head count.

He was a problem though, when I thought about the book afterwards. This man, who needed help to feed and walk, what was he doing the rest of the time while the family were out and about? Who was looking after him? Rather than just being a presence without consequence, he became a problem in my mind; a loose end that undermined the realism and credibility of the whole story. So what had been rather a good book slid down my mental ratings chart to slumber somewhere at the bottom of the 'well, I won't read that one again, or probably anything else by this author' pile.

If you don't really need a character, if a character has no character, please, please get out your sharp red pen and kill 'em off.

Choose your superpower!

I could write a long and tedious post on 'My holiday', but I'll just say it was great. Chris mentioned photos, and I did think about it, but I'm a scaredy cat about too much personal stuff online. If I find anything suitably anonymous, I might post it later. I think I have a nice one of a deer...

So let's get back to the cool stuff.

If you could choose a superpower, what would it be?

I'm going for the ability to contract and expand time. Imagine. A little kitty under the wheels of a car. Superkoala expands time so that everything effectively stands still and strolls across to save the poor fluffball. Imagine. A root canal. Superkoala contracts time so it's over in the blink of an eye. Imagine. The doorbell rings. Eek! Mother-in-law! The koala babies are covered in Vegemite, the house is covered in dust and the dog's so dirty it's taking a voluntary bath in the toilet bowl. Superkoala expands time and by the time she answers the door the kids are in their best, the house is sparkling and a perfumed dog is trying to get the pink ribbon out of its hair.

Oh yes, and that whole finding time to write a novel thing. No longer a problem.

Choose your superpower here!

A missing boy - appeal

The meme is below, but first some sad news from Chumplet (Sandra Cormier), who many of you know. I discovered on Chris's blog that Chumplet's teenage nephew is missing. I know I'm a long way away, but thought I would post this and urge you to read the story at her blog. If you know anybody in the area where he has gone missing, please could you make contact with them and see if they have any information or can help in the hunt. Let's see if the blogosphere can help with this.

Who was right?

Feeling much more normal today, whatever normal means. Have ploughed through half of the holiday washing and am considering letting my clients know I'm back - a bit like letting the wild dogs out of the corral when there's a bit of raw meat in the middle of the yard. So before that, let's do the meme...

1. What do you do before bedtime?

Brush my teeth. To brush away the wine (Aerin). While thinking up ways to get other people to write my blog content for me (PJD).

2. What is your favorite sound?

Peace and quiet. But not silence.

3. What were your childhood fears?

The monsters in my wardrobe and the chest of drawers in the spare room – that was a monster in disguise and I was the only one that knew it.
(Aerin, Madonna didn't have to make a come back, she didn't go away! She is scary now, though. Those ropy muscles. Shudder.)

4. What place have you visited that you can't forget and want to go back?

I leave everywhere wishing I didn't have to.

5. What has made you unhappy these days?

Leaving my friends and family in Scotland.

6. What websites do you visit daily?

Too many. Evil Editor is one of them (FH). Janet Reid. Sydney Morning Herald. The Scotsman. Paca's quiz. Book Roast. Koalas r us etc (Aerin). Your blogs. More blogs. Although I don't always comment. That's my concession to spending too much time on the internet!

7. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

A melanin-challenged Celt. (Janey, it's as if you knew her...)

8. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head?

Well, now I've got 'Can't get you out of my head' stuck in my head, so thanks for that.

9. What’s your favorite item of clothing?

My fur. And if I ever have to cover it up, whatever I've bought most recently.

10. What is your dream for the future?

To introduce a new generation of koalets to the joys of writing....because of my prize-winning novels (Aerin)

I'm back

I'm fatigued. I'm tagged.

That naughty little minx, Janey, tsk tsk. However it does save me taxing my brain immediately by writing a well-thought out and intelligent blog post. (What do you mean, when have I ever posted one of those? Quiet at the back! I see you Paca. And you, BT.)

I'll answer when my brain catches up with my body. In the meantime, how about making up some answers for me? Let's see how accurate they are...

1. What do you do before bedtime?

2. What is your favorite sound?

3. What were your childhood fears?

4. What place have you visited that you can't forget and want to go back?

5. What has made you unhappy these days?

6. What websites do you visit daily?

7. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

8. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head?

9. What’s your favorite item of clothing?

10. What is your dream for the future?

The sun has got his hat on

The sun has got his hat on
Hip hip hip hooray
The sun has got his hat on
But it's freezing out today.

Soccer boy has been inspired by the ancestral home of the McKoala Dynasty to turn his attention from soccer to golf. I'm sure it will last a whole day. Princess rapturously happy hanging on to Gran's apron strings and refusing to go out unless Gran goes too. I'm full to the brim with curry and wine. Fish and chips tonight; it seems almost healthy.

Ah, the sweet rain of Scotland

Falleth almost every day. Baby McKoalas having a ball with the baby McHaggi and I myself am reliving old times with old mates. Cheers - more wine over here!

No writing, although much inspiration. More wine over here!

Hooray, hooray, it's a holi- holi-day

I'm packing up the baby koalas for a visit to the Ancestral Homeland this month, followed by five days in Singapore to warm us up afterwards (October - season of mists and freezing cold winds). So some dust may gather on the blog over the next few weeks, although I'll look in if I can.

I'll miss you!

Koala kisses.

Over and out.

The Ranting Returns

As promised, double-barreled names. Or, to put it more accurately, names that should not be double barreled.

Reminder: all rants are personal and utterly biased. If you have a double-barreled name, read on at your own risk.

Some poor folks are ancestrally burdened with names that will never fit on an application form. Take one of Scotland's old families, the Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpes. Triple-barreled. Mmm. You'd feel sorry for them if they weren't so rich. Interestingly, they inherited the Gough-Calthorpe part of their name along with a pile of money in the 1800s. Gough-Calthorpe on its own is an application form challenge, however, so I think we must forgive the current generation their outstandingly pretentious name on the grounds that they had no choice in the matter. And respect the daughter of the family, who while trying to make it as an actress, has dropped two of the three names. Sensible lass.

Clever readers, as you all are, will, I'm sure have noticed the use of the word 'pretentious' in the above paragraph. Yes, that is the emotion double-barreled names evoke in the Furbrain. Within the wondrous shores of that land known as Britain, a great many double-barreled names belong to the upper class. That doesn't greatly bother me. Their names are ancient and have often been created as part of marriage deals or financial settlements many centuries ago. Sometimes it indicated that a woman had married beneath her. Now they're stuck with them.

Times have changed, however. What sets my pretensionometer blaring is when people choose to double barrel their names. None of the reasons often cited work for me:

1. 'Well my husband has a very common surname, so we thought if we used both our names it might make it more distinctive.'

The Koala solution: use your name, let him use your name, better yet, don't marry him at all.

2. 'I wanted to keep my maiden name.'

Go right ahead. Keep it. Don't use his nasty patriarchal name at all. In fact, don't marry him.

3. 'I wanted to keep my maiden name and use his name too.'

Go right ahead. We have these handy slots known as 'middle names'. Or, don't marry him.

4. 'I wanted my kids to share my maiden name.'

See answers to 1, 2 and 3 above. Look, just don't marry him. End of problem.

I will, graciously, make one exception. If a child wants to use his/her family name, as well as that of a step-parent, then that's the child's decision and it's a good way to honour all parents. Only if it's the child's decision, though and said child has been thoroughly warned about the pitfalls of application forms.

And so, on to the connection with writing (yes, there is one!). Had you noticed how many writers, particularly female writers, use double-barreled names either with or without hyphen?

Ladies, it is unnecessary. What's more, it is one of the many, admittedly personal and largely senseless reasons, why I will not take your book off the shelf. Georgette Tingle Bingle, you would be unique under either name. Portia Piffleton Prune, likewise. Jane Smith, I have some sympathy for you, but with everybody else fancying up their names like Christmas trees, why not keep it simple? You might find you are the only one. And I might buy your book.

We take a break from our now-regular ranting...

...to pose a question.

Are you a heavy or a light user of the comma?

Here's another thing I hate...

I'm having such fun ranting! I think we will call this The Ranting Series. I'm sure I can keep it going for quite some time.

This is a writing-related one again, luckily, what with this being a writing-related blog and all. I think.

I cannot stand...when the title of a novel is followed by the words 'A Novel'. As in 'The Story of Pluhjibberycasket. A Novel.' Also 'A Novel by...'. As in 'The Leap Over Frisquagibbet Canyon. A Novel by Persephone Plasket Hughes'.

Usually when I pick up a novel I find most of the clues pointing to it being a novel are obvious enough for me not to need to be told. Often, novels are found in the fiction department, because they are, wait for it, fictional novels (heh heh). In most cases a quick scan of the blurb at the back provides more handy clues that the story within is unlikely to reflect reality (normally particularly obvious in the fantasy genre). Some authors helpfully point out that events and persons in the book are in no way related to real events or people (although am I alone in reading that as a clue that they just might be? Whoops, do you think Aunty Meg will spot that Mrs Jones is based on her, complete with hairy mole, six fingers on her left hand and nasty scratching habit? Hm, better put in that handy disclaimer.)

As for 'A Novel by...'. You are not Jane Austen or any of the Brontes. Really, you're not. This is archaic, unnecessary and, to me, the height of pretension. OK, I might let some elite authors get away with it, but it doesn't mean I'm going to like it. As for the rest of us. No. Don't do it.

The next episode of The Ranting Series will feature double barrelled names. Oooh, don't get me started on double barrelled names...

Feel free to rant on this or any other topic in the comments.

Beverley Hills 9021lessthan0

It was an attempt to relive the good times. The days when we'd huddle around the tv early on Saturday night and attempt to decide whether we fancied Dylan or Brandon the most. (Dylan for me, every time).

So when the new 90210 started, despite the knowledge that it was probably a crime for me to ogle the boys, I thought I'd give it a look. In fact, I hardly noticed the boys. It was the incredible thinness of the girls that caught my eye - after I'd missed their appearance on screen a couple of times, because of their incredible physical absence. Thank goodness they talked, that's all I have to say.

Now I'm a skinny one. When I was at school my nickname was 'matchstick legs' (witty, weren't they?). But even I never achieved such verge-of-death, skeletal skinniness. And this is attractive? Not when I was a teenager (unfortunately for me - I'd have been hot in 90210-land).

Yes, some people are naturally thin, I'm proof (although not as much as I used to be - childbirth, people, childbirth). A magazine here showed photos of two of the girls before they started the series. Slim, yes, but healthy-looking. Now they look like starved ex-show ponies. And, I'd say, they've been made to do this for the series. The justification was that 'well, that's what everyone in LA wants to look like' . Well, that's no justification to me.

It's both sad and dangerous that girls watching might aspire to this look.

Another unsatisfying read

I'm not having much luck with my random reading list at the moment.

My latest disappointment was a horror story, of sorts. It was reasonably chilling, most characters showed some kind of character and it had absurd moments of hilarity to counterpoint the horror - so on that level it kind of worked.

But...it just went on and on for 350 pages at the same level of tension. The creepy things that happened in the first creepy scene, hinting at something more, just continued to happen. Creepy scene after creepy scene, all well written, but all essentially repeating the same thing. Spooky noise, check, spooky sensation, check, spooky shadow, check...and on to the intervening 'scene of normality'...then on to the next creepy scene: spooky noise, check, spooky sensation, check, spooky shadow, check.

What was lacking completely was the story arc. There was no build up. There was a climax, of sorts, but the eighteen or so creepy scenes prior to that all did the same thing. Spooky noise, check, spooky sensation, check, spooky shadow, check.

For some reason I read to the end. I guess it was because the other elements were all in place and all well handled, so I did keep going - I did have some sense of being in the hands of a capable writer - but in the end it all fell flat.

What are you reading now? Should I read it?

Blogger is bursting with fun new features at the moment. I'm going to mooch through the 'blogs I'm following' thing later. It might be an easy way to relink to you all! Not sure if I can promise PJD his deserved pole position, though, seeing as I have no idea how it works. It might not even be a linky thing at all.

Evacuation

We've been hearing on News for the Eucalypt Dwellers about Hurricane Ike and the mandatory evacuation of parts of Texas. No doubt we are not hearing as much about it as our American blogging friends - I'm sure we get the most dramatic pictures - which are pretty horrific - and the headline stories - likewise. It looks to me like half the state of Texas has been blasted away.

I think that had I been asked to evacuate, I would have done so instantly. I'm chicken. I also have kids. A house is a house, a eucalypt is a eucalypt, but it's nothing compared to their lives. I see that most of the people asked to evacuate did so. But some didn't. They chose to stay, despite multiple warnings that fatalities and injuries would result. The post-hurricane photos seem to make it pretty clear that the warnings were not exaggerated. Now rescuers are going in to try and rescue some of the people who chose not to evacuate.

Does that seem right? Yes, in that people are in pain and difficult situations, and they need rescue. There is no reason why their needs should be neglected. Some may have had good reason for staying - for example, perhaps illness meant that some people couldn't leave and family chose to stay with them etc.. But some of these people at least chose not to leave a danger zone. They're on the news here - declaring confidently pre-hurricane 'well a hurricane hasn't carried me away yet, so why should this one'.

So now, there's a little streak in me that is muttering 'well, I hope they rescued all the people that didn't deliberately choose not to evacuate first; the people that either had no choice or weren't expecting the hurricane to veer their way'; I hope no rescuer is putting their life in danger for somebody who made a deliberate decision to stay without good reason'. Is that wrong? Am I bitter, twisted and hateful?!

When an ending isn't an ending

Thank you, patient readers, for faithfully checking in every now and again, even when there was nothing to read. Here I am again, slightly tattered, but nothing a glass of wine and a big bag of chips won't fix. Video is safely edited and all twelve minutes of it will soon be unveiled, hopefully to the accolade of much corporate success for my client.

So, let's talk for a while about endings.

I read a book recently that didn't have one.

I'll sketch the plot - a woman is kept prisoner by her family in a suburban home, while three strangers who have cottoned on to this try to rescue her. At the end of it, they succeeded. But, you know, it wasn't an ending.

I'm sure that sounds strange, but let me explain that the members of the family and the rescuers all had sub plots. That made the book multi-layered, because every character was detailed, had their own motivation and their own reason for being there.

Not a single one of those sub plots was tied up. Not one. I put the book down feeling utterly discontented and frustrated.

If anyone read Crusie Mayer's workshops last year, they talked about the introduction of plot and sub plots as a formula that had a specific order. I'll probably mess this up, but basically plots come into play like this, in order of importance: ABCDE. In an ideal world they should be tied up in reverse order - least important first: EDCBA. So the overall plot structure of your story looks something like this: ABCDEEDCBA. That's a simple version. But it helps me to understand why the book I read was so frustrating. Its structure was ABCDEA.

It freaked me out. In addition to the discontent and frustration I actually felt slightly disorientated when I put the book down. The loose ends in my head were aching. It took me a few days of thinking and remembering the Crusie Mayer formula to figure out exactly why. There's a dissatisfaction to a half-finished job; and equations without all their elements will never work out.

A rare roast

I'm stoked about this upcoming week on the Book Roast. Agents and editors, people, agents and editors! Starting with the wit and cynicism of Evil Editor on Monday, and finishing with the wit and cynicism of Janet Reid on Friday. Hmm. Is there a theme there?

A Koala Reads Ril

Thank you for your patience, and taran tara, here is the McKoala version of Ril's beautiful extract.

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A Koala Apologises

Mostly to Ril and Robin. For my voicelessness. Have been editing all day (mini movie almost finished!) and haven't had a chance to speak or listen to a word. Must sleep now. Tomorrow, tomorrow...

Koala Back at Keyboard

Filming went great. In that we teetered on the edge of catastrophe on multiple occasions, but every time we managed to think on our feet and make things work. Not the teleprompter though. That didn't work at all. On the day when one of our filmees was depending on it. It turns out that dodgy cables cannot be fixed with a combination of determination and ingenuity; it takes somebody to drive down to Sydney and back overnight to fetch a new one.

What else happened... It rained on a day when we were supposed to be filming outside. The girl who we were filming on Tuesday went away and didn't come back until Wednesday. The guy who we planned on filming from 6pm to 10pm declared that he had to leave at 5pm. The main presenter had the flu and had pretty much lost his voice, plus he had some of his stuff stolen on the train on the way up and arrived in a deeply grim frame of mind. One of our sets turned out to be a dubious old industrial plant with strange-looking folk wandering about who liked to turn on loud compressors whenever we started filming.

And yet...it was great. I'd forgotten how much fun filming was. As for directing...mostly I just told people how fabulous they were, to keep them in a good mood, and let them get on with it, occasionally asking them to try a line slightly differently. It seemed to work. The presenter left gushing about how professional we were, and how he looked forward to working with us again. Which begs the question, who has he worked with before?!

Paca quizzers: it took me an hour of wandering around my hotel room with my laptop to find the best position to log on to a very shonky wifi. Eventually, crammed into a corner between the wardrobe and the door I managed to get sufficient signal to log on and...beat you! Such is my devotion.

No furry friend this week

Much rejoicing among Paca's Quiz set, because I'll be on set daaaahlings, and probably in an internet-free zone.

In the meantime there will be fun and chit chat over at the grill...

Get the gossip for me, would ya? Thanks.

Roastable!

Book roast is kicking off again, with an appetizer being served this week! Drop by for a giggle and a snack.

How little time do I have...

...I have so little time that I haven't hung up washing for three days.
...I have so little time that I haven't cut the kids' fingernails this week. (Slasher koalies.)
...I have so little time that the nail varnish I put on for a party two weeks ago is peeling off my fingernails all by itself.

For those following the sandwich vs lunch story, guess what? It was more sandwiches. Although one guy did eat them with a knife and fork, so perhaps that counts as 'proper' lunch.

Back to the grindstone...

First day of filming

Went really, really well!

Clad in my beret and knickers (thanks BT) I lounged in my director's chair, chewing a fat cigar and bellowing instructions through a megaphone.

OK, so clad in jeans and a vaguely funky top...oh, all right, it was cold, so I kept my jacket on for most of the time so nobody even saw the funky top. Anyway, I drifted around artily...trying not to get into anybody's way...

What made it easy was that we were filming a semi-documentary section and our principal interviewee had done this a thousand times before, so he was brimming with useful suggestions and approaches, almost all of which we used. He also added in some off-script information I hadn't had access to and that worked incredibly well.

Once I had made sure that we had all the props we needed, which was a momentary crisis, as the person who was supposed to bring Top Secret Prop A, the only essential prop we need throughout the film, hadn't done it... However, my first lesson in directing was that sometimes you need to fudge things and we fudged it so well that at one point our interviewee forgot he wasn't handling the real thing and while off-camera was discussing the behaviour of Prop A, under the belief that is was the real thing! Fudged Top Secret Prop A is now nestled in a camera bag, ready for to continue its heroic role through the entire movie.

Then it was just a case of making sure I liked the set ups and helping the interviewees with their semi-scripted words - and letting the very experienced cameraman and technical director get on with it.

I think we have a week off filming next week, but I need to do some script adjustments, then we're back on set (that still makes me laugh!) for two or three days the week after.

Oh, and while I didn't have to do any make-up, WO will be gratified to learn that I did purchase coffee and sandwiches. Not because I was the only girl, but because I was the first one there. Note to self: waft in late next time.

Welcome to Hollywood

I'll be a bit thin around the blogs over the next couple of weeks, because my involvement in this corporate video is expanding.

First I was the writer. By Tuesday I was 'executive producer'. By Wednesday morning, I'd added make up girl to my duties (was that a demotion?). Now, on Wednesday afternoon, I'm the director. That's more like it. I think.

So, when I'm not updating the script, organising people and locations, I'm quivering with fear. Sometimes all three at once.

Filming starts tomorrow...

WOMWIP

I've coined this fabulous new word to use when people ask what I've been doing. 'Working on my work in progress' is what it means.

Now, I don't want this blog to be a catalogue of excuses for lack of effort, but along with womwip (22,000 and counting!) Dull But Paying Work has been putting the pressure on. In a reasonably exciting way, because I've written a script for a short corporate film and the company loves it. Spent yesterday with the client and film crew in a production meeting and doing a photo shoot, plus some background footage. They want me to be involved in the filming process, not something that always happens when you're just the writer. Often the director disappears with the script and returns with something unrecognisable. 'Oh, we just changed a few things.' Gee, thanks. This time I will get to support the creation of my vision, yippee.

The interesting thing from a writing perspective was that during the meeting yesterday, I noticed some things in the script that I hadn't noticed when I was writing. Good things. For example, the way that my use of negative stock footage at the beginning was balanced out by positive stock footage at the end. It reinforces the message of the script in a fairly subtle way, plus the two sections also work as a fantastic structural device - great idea, wish I'd thought of it. But apparently I did. It's all in there and my head was the only one that it came out of.

Weird. Does that happen to you when you're writing?

A blind spot at which you may poke fun

Alexander Solzhnitsyn, one of the world's literary giants has died.

I will, however, have to take the world's word for it that he is a literary giant. I have a flaw; a fatal flaw when it comes to Russian literature.

*blush* I can't keep up with the names.

I've tried several times to read Russian authors, starting from when I was in my teens. I kept abandoning my attempts, assuring myself in a year or two it would all be different.

It still isn't.

Let's start with the sheer number of characters. Invariably there seem to be millions of them. Add that they all seem to have at least three names, any one of which can be used at any time. Plus nicknames. Plus the entire cast always appear to be interrelated, so many of the names are similar. Just can't keep 'em straight in my head.

Sorry, Russian giants of world literature. But I promise to take others' word for your giant-ness without a single pinch of salt. It's the least I can do.

Almost all better

I'm sure your good wishes made all the difference. Husbad now has Man Flu, however, which we all know to be a million times worse than Woman Flu, so keep the good thoughts coming.

This will be a random post about nothing in particular. Let's have some stats though. Not over the past fortnight, because I have a feeling it's more like a month, but The Woman in the Wall is now up to 18,000 words and zipping along. The things I'm putting that poor girl through. Sad, really. Yet fun. I'm glad to be back into it again. I've given myself a deadline for completing the first draft, which means I need to write an average of 1000 words a day for the next couple of months. Not so easy with work, kids and life. Tough love, though, people, tough love.

In other news...we haven't had a soccer update in a while. It's Soccer Boy's last match this weekend. They've only had one loss the whole season. Some of the parents want to keep the team together; others want to move on and strive for higher grades next year. We're torn. All modesty aside, Soccer Boy is probably the best on the team. But he's had an absolute ball with his friends . We're trying to decide what to do. At the moment the thought is to leave him with his friends so he has more fun, hope they get upgraded a little next year and also throw him into every individual course/talent-spotting opportunity that we see so he is ready for when things get competitive in a year or two. Best of both worlds. However, in the event that every good player on the team moves on, barring soccer boy, we may need to move him too. Fingers crossed that some of the other boys also favour fun over ambition!

Soccer Princess continues ambling around the field, playing aeroplanes, patting dogs and chatting to the other team. What a lovely time she is having. Her team fielded a non-regular player a couple of weeks ago due to low numbers and while Princess and her pals trotted about, doing their thing, this kid beavered up and down the field on his own and scored two goals for them. I don't think the Princess and her Princelings even noticed. There was a helicopter in the sky, and that was much more important.

Ho hum. Weather changeable. Winter yuk. I'm going to see Mamma Mia tonight and eating Thai afterwards. Go the Brisbane Broncos.

Yup. Random.

Convalescent koala

Thank you for your thoughts and remedies in the previous post.

To date I have applied:
whisky
sleep
cough medicine
whisky
sleep
nasal spray
whisky
sleep
honey and lemon
whisky
sleep
several very rubbish library books
whisky
sleep

Am now hanging on to eucalypt with two claws and a third is twitching.

Share your remedies

I am a sick koala. I dangle from the eucalypt by a single claw.

Tell me your favourite remedies for colds and chest infections. I'll read them when I wake up from my stupor. I will strongly favour anything involving whisky, heat and sleeping.

The power of story

I can't remember her exact words (sniff, memories are fading), but I believe Miss Snark had two sayings. One was 'Good writing trumps all'. The other was 'Plot trumps all'. Or something along those lines. Anyway, there was a contradiction between her much-vaunted belief that good writing was essential, and the draw of a darn good story - a contradiction that she herself freely admitted.

I've just run into this situation in a medical thriller. Not a genre I usually read, but it looked a bit more interesting than most. Here are a few of the issues I ran into within the first few chapters:

A monumental contradiction surrounding the murder weapon
Characters speaking like instruction manuals
Other characters perpetually in 'as you know Bob' mode
A tendency for the main character to forget the second half of a conversation she has just remembered, simply so she can remember it at a more suitable time later in the book
No Reason Not to Tell the Police what the main character has just unearthed
The mysterious ability of the main character and her boyfriend, supposedly madly in love, to have a shower together and not even think about having sex. In fact, as far as I can tell, they never have sex. Despite almost living together. With no good reason not to have sex. Without this being a plot point.

And more. In my eyes, the story was badly written and illogical. And yet...I read it to the end. Why? I think you know. Plot, people, plot. A good story, stuffed with twists and turns, gleamed through all the dross around it and positively forced me to read to the end. And (blush) I enjoyed it.

Discuss.

And/or hop on over to the Book Roast (link in the sidebar) where the chefs are stoking the ovens, ready to grill a few more writers starting Monday.

A little something to keep you busy

I found this quiz at Holly Lisle's site. 69 points for me - how about you? The discussion at the end is interesting, too.

Voices in the dark

Robin is kicking off another listening session at her place. Here is my contribution - again from The Woman in the Wall. (I'd call it a work in progress, except I haven't made any over the past couple of weeks. Work, work, work, sigh).

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Lovely thing

I was roaming around the blogs today (yes, I know, I should be working) and spotted a little gem over at ex-Snarkling (aren't we all!) Heather Wardell's blog.

This fabulous gadget counts the words in a text and turns them into beautiful word clouds. But there's more to it than that - the size of the words depend on how frequently they are used, so it's also a useful tool to show overuse of specific words.

Unfortunately...cry...it doesn't work on this computer! I think it will work on my laptop, so I'll pull that out tonight and see if I can make some pretty clouds. In the meantime, I couldn' t resist sharing.

What are you reading?

Yes, it's book review time. But in a fast, simple and non-intimidating kind of a way.

What are you reading right now? Not what you think you should be reading, or the book you've always meant to read for your intellectual health, or what you're pretending to read, but what's actually been gathering dust on the nightstand for weeks. What you are actually reading. In all its greatness, and/or all it's shame. Maybe it's more than one thing (see my own review/s, heh, heh). Spit it out! Less than 100 words, please, including what it is, who wrote it and whether or not anybody else should read it.

I'm doing mine in the comments, so flick over there right now...

Work is manic!

Completely manic. And busy too. So I know it's boring, but not much to say, other than, I'm working. I promise to come back as soon as I can with fun and frolics.

In the meantime, Polly (dog) was bitten on the nose while at soccer on Saturday. She's fine now, barring two healing pink spots, but two questions:

Will the black dog-nosey bit ever grow back over the new pink skin?
What should the owner of the other dog have done?

Actually, these answers could make this post quite interesting. I withdraw my boringness for today.

Still working on this...

The Woman in the Wall is up to just over 10,000 words, which is good progress considering how manic life has been for the last couple of weeks. I'm still tinkering with the pitch, and if you're not too bored with me yet, please let me know what you think of this one!

Jac Thompson thinks she's escaped her neglected childhood in Glasgow. Now she's the perfect employee, waging a one-woman war against untidy desks, long lunch hours and post-its with puppies on them.

When Jac loses her job, her estranged father reappears, claiming to be sober, repentant and ready to help her pick up the pieces. Within days he's betrayed her trust, discovered a skeleton in the walls of her isolated cottage and walled it back up again. When a baby's body is discovered near her childhood home, Jac's father builds a priest's hole in the wall and hides alongside the skeleton.

Who is the baby? Who is the woman in the wall? Jac sets out to discover the identity of both.

Neglect is only the start of it. Like her cottage, Jac's life is built on bones.

The only thing that bothers me is that I don't mention the disembodied voice. But maybe I don't have to. It's not as central to this as it was to the original short story, although it does still feature in the early pages.

Pinched an idea...

from PJD.

I've covered this much of the world:

Make yours @ BigHugeLabs.com

Hm, some big gaps there. *looks for passport*

The Hand

Robin has triggered a new craze. Voices. Wow. Here I am.


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Everything is relative

It's been quite a week. Client meetings on Monday and Tuesday; urgent work slid in around them and all day Wednesday. School committee meeting on Tuesday night, gym class Wednesday night, girl party here on Thursday night to help a friend who is setting up in the party business, preceded by a day of tidying, cleaning and scrubbing so they could actually get into the house; and cooking to keep them fed once they were in. Plus the usual, volunteering at school and all the kids stuff - homework, sport, feeding time at the zoo etc.

Then today I was at the funeral of a three-year old. Suddenly a few other things seem a lot less urgent.

Today's Must Visit Is

Not dead, just working

After weeks of little or no work, suddenly I've got heaps going on. It's all work and no play here for a while. I've skimmed past a few blogs, but I'm clearly missing all the good stuff. So help me. Your mission for the rest of this week is to tell me where to go. Whose blog is a must-see? Where's the scandal going on? What's the funniest post of the week?

In return, I'll let you know tomorrow's Must See Blog. See, although I'm working hard, my Fun Radar is already twitching and forecasting a big announcement of the Top Secret Project that I've mentioned a few times and it's happening over here, at Chris Eldin's blog.

Calling Team Koala!

I've been having a fine old time with the Woman in the Wall. For a disembodied voice she's great fun.

Stats for the past couple of weeks...I'll keep it to Woman in the Wall, because I've ignored the rest and it's getting so dull posting '0' all the time:

Stats for the past fortnight
Planning/structuring WiW: 4750
Editing The Woman in the Wall into a cracking start to a novel: 500 - but they're good words!
Also, research.

Here's the pitch. It's a bit long and I suspect it can be cut at the start in particular, but I'm not worried about that at the moment. I'm interested to know what you think. Would this intrigue you? Would you pick it up? I would, but maybe my taste is weird.

*stop here new version in comments!!!*

"When Jac Thompson's carefully-constructed life of lies as a privately educated middle-class daughter of the manse falls apart, she loses her ice maiden image and her job. Does the world really need Jacqueline-Marie, child of a drug abuser and alcoholic? Jac thinks not. Suffering pneumonia in her isolated cottage in Scotland, she descends into delirium, her only companion the ghostly woman's voice she imagines coming from the walls of the cottage.

She is saved from death by her own neglect by the unexpected reappearance of her father, claiming to be sober and repentant, and ready to help her pick up the pieces. But the woman in the wall is still talking to her and her father's repentance is undone by the discovery of a skeleton in the walls of the cottage – or is it by the discovery of a baby's corpse back on their home estate in Glasgow? Jac's father hides from the police by building himself into the wall of the cottage alongside the skeleton while an increasingly distraught Jac tries to puzzle out the connection between him and the baby. And what about the woman in the wall, who is she and what does she want?"

It's just not authentic without the sharp edges!

Another blow from the Health & Safety Department!

Sword dancing without the swords!

What's in a name?

When I first started commenting on blogs ('twas the late, great Miss Snark that finally made me crack - pause for a moment to remember...), I didn't want to use my real name. I used to use a version of my name on a social site that had several trolling problems and once a woman with serious psychological problems that some of the people on the site got drawn into. So when I got my internet courage back up again I wanted to stay anonymous - but I didn't want to be one of the great flock of anonymi. I wasn't afraid to be identifiable and to show at least some of my personality.

And so, and you all know this bit, McKoala was born. She's me, but fluffier. And vegetarian.

However, recently I've begun to wonder about the sense of this. When my agent took me on a few months ago I created a web site in my real name, but didn't link it to this blog. In the past week or two I've become involved in a Top Secret but Very Exciting Project That You Will All Love and I've decided that that is a place where I would like to use my real name. I've dropped a big fat clue in This Secret Place as to my dual identity, so I think you'll spot me.

And yet... I still don't want my real name on this blog, or in many of the place where I post as McKoala. The most rational explanation is that because I'm trying to sell young adult writing, the utterances of McK, and some of her friends, *wavey*, are not anything I would particularly want my kids reading if they fell into that age group, so why would I want somebody else's kids to read them? That then begs the question, should I be posting anything I wouldn't want my audience to read at all?

But you are also my audience *more waveys*. You are an important part of my network as a writer; many of you have critiqued me, many of you have supported me, many of you have made me laugh and all of you have been nice to me. I like you. And I like not to have to mince my words around you. So I thought I would see if I can handle a dual identity. I'll stay McKoala here and at EE and most other places, but I'll use my real name where I'm being sensible (hah!). Not that I'm planning on being that sensible.

Other people have approached this issue in different ways. Robin and Precie choose to keep their blogs secret, although they post widely under their blog names. Church Lady pushed Takoda's bunny down the canyon, and then was herself pushed by Chris, who felt there was more benefit in using her real name. Conduit has never made a secret of his real name, and has now linked his real-name website to his blog. Others manage dual identities that are clearly connected to one another.

For now, I think I'd still like to retain a level of privacy for the real me. Of course, this could fall apart very fast. I'll need to create a new profile as the real me so I can log under the right name at Top Secret Project, and feel free to place bets on how long it takes me to post using the wrong name in the wrong place...

Bets aside, I'd be very interested in your thoughts on this and your own choices, and, of course, your advice on what you would do in my situation.

And the winner is...

...pjd. For modesty, Wayne's World and pointing out that since I'm in his list he darn well ought to be in mine. Enjoy your position at the top.

Next...as in all good competitions there will be first second and third...JJ de Benedictis. Call yourself whatever you want, you'll always be a goblin to me.

And in third place...Sarah. For being nice. See, the rest of you never even thought of that one, did you?

Honorable mentions to Whirlochre, SS@S (wasn't your fault that JJdeB brought up your argument first...). Ello gets her place in the middle and Robin and BT can continue to be happy at the bottom. So to speak. Disgraceful mention to rhinothongbutt for never returning to justify her placement, but some leeway given as I suspect she's been distracted by Top Secret Project. I've added a few other people too, let me know if you want to join 'em.

In a few weeks I may get around to some descriptive stuff, letting the innocent know why they should visit your blogs. Or it may just be funny stuff. Depending on my mood.

Some koalas give other koalas a bad name

As you all know, I'm an innocent, dewy kind of a bear, but check out thisnaughty boy.

More to come on the power of names, also the results of Linky Lovin' (I'm frightened to say that now...). Am busy working on Top Secret Project so it may be tomorrow, so keep posting your arguments as to why you deserve top billing on my link list on the post below.

Linky lovin'

I've been updating my links; check the new improved listing to the right!

Anybody else up for some linky loving? Apply here, with cogent argument about why I should include you, and why you should have the honour of the spot at the top of the list.

In other news...Soccer Boy's team can't be regraded as there are no spots in the grades above them, so Robin can rest assured that their invincibility will remain untainted (we hope, maybe they'll come a cropper this week...). And Princess will be taking to the field - she went to soccer practice last week and loved it, so Saturday mornings are going to be very busy.

*updating to add...current list members are welcome to present arguments as to why they should move to top billing*